


Space and Time in an American Diner

by adenaide, CaelanIsAFreak



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005), Torchwood
Genre: Canon LGBTQ Character, F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Sexy Times, The Diner, UNIT, Women Being Awesome, bit of smut, humour isn't my strong suit but I tried, mad alien planets, slightly cracky
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-09
Updated: 2016-01-04
Packaged: 2018-05-05 20:46:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5389688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adenaide/pseuds/adenaide, https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaelanIsAFreak/pseuds/CaelanIsAFreak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You didn't really expect two of the most obviously queer, amazing women in the universe to steal a TARDIS and run away and there to be no hijinx, did you? Well, dear reader, if you’re that much of an imbecile, you don’t deserve to read this story. But since you’re here, prepare to be surprised, amazed, and more than a tiny bit turned on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. And so it begins...

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, this is my first published fanfiction, and basically Caitlin and I wrote it together. The first chapter is just a short one, I'll post another in the next few days. Feedback is more than welcome, and I'll try update fairly regularly. Happy Reading!

 

 

When an American diner landed in the middle of UNIT HQ, there was some chaos. Maybe more than some. Actually, there was seven high powered weapons, six dazed employees, five security breaches, four escaped Sontarans, three crushed computers, two pissed-off Osgoods, and a partridge in a pear tree (actually it was a flustered coffee boy, but we’ll get to that).

But that was sorted, and the folks at UNIT were keen to claim their reward. A fully functioning TARDIS, in the hands of the British Government! Imagine that!

Alas it was not to be (the UK can’t even handle normal weapons without bombing foreign countries *cough cough*), and Clara and Me were quite insistent that the Diner was theirs. It was to be known as the Diner, otherwise protocol was gong to get rather confused. However, the lovely woman who had tried to repossess their Diner seemed so forlorn, they came to a nice compromise. They would work as contractors, for the small price of their freedom from bureaucracy (And general freedom.You know how UNIT can be. Very temperamental.).

It was not two weeks after this that Clara and Me were sitting sipping coffee. And in all her billions of years, Me had never tasted such an excellent beverage. That coffee boy really was superb, and his arse didn’t hurt either. She could use that as an appetizer.

A loud cough brought Me out of her reverie, and she turned to see those beautiful doe eyes, clearly thinking the same thing. Although Clara did seem a tad peeved that Me’s attention hadn’t been focussed entirely on her.

“Darling, what do you say we add a little cinnamon to our usual morning coffee?” Me smirked, especially when her friend’s eyebrow raised. “Not that vanilla isn’t lovely too. But you know I love a bit of added spice”

“Did I detect a Welsh accent too? I do so love the Welsh. There was a lovely girl I met in Wales once… Always wore a gorgeously tight leather jacket….mmmm that jacket was a work of art. You know, it was so good she didn’t need anything else to complement it? Except maybe her boots….”

“Claaara. Clara darling. Present day please.”

Clara at least had the courtesy to blush a little. Me didn’t mind. She might actually have to find a leather jacket for Clara now. It would be a pretty picture.

Just as she was debating whether to shop at Vidaris (best leather work in the galaxy) or Topshop (a bit nearer by) when the sirens started blaring, red light going off. She sighed; they really did have a flare for the dramatic here.


	2. Purple people and hot coffee boys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Me and Clara take a trip, and Clara is manhandled. In more ways than one.

The ladies made their way to the control room, Clara throwing herself into a high backed chair and Me perching daintily on a control panel marked “WARNING”.

“We’ve had a request from the royalty of Salssuginis. Positioned about 200 light years away, they’re generally peaceful. The planet is smaller than ours but…”

The briefing continued, far longer than Clara would have liked. It wasn’t until her name was mentioned that she snapped back into the moment.

“...so we’ll be sending Me and Clara as our ambassadors. Ok?”

There were nods of agreement all round, including from her partner. Clara just winced guiltily as they exited the room and headed to the Diner.

“Soooo. Ashie, I may have drifted away a little. What precisely will we be doing in Salssugania?”

“Salssuginis. And darling, if you wanted to know in advance, you should have been listening. Now you’ll just have to wait and see.”

It was so delectably adorable when she huffed, Me thought. And at least this way she could lead the mission with less resistance. It really did require tact. Clara, of course, could be polite but she wasn’t nearly as familiar with the intricacies of different customs.

Me set the Diner on cruise control, heading to the beautifully extensive wardrobe. It took a while to find suitable court clothes, but eventually they were located. She donned her own dress, the yellow of the fabric marking respect in the Salssuginian culture. For Clara she had selected green, symbolising a will for peace. After all, this was royalty. And their arrogance was not to be tampered with, especially not during negotiation.

Whatever Clara had expected, it was not twelve bright purple humanoids all dancing to what looked like the Macarena. Which was apparently the official dance of Earthlings. Never mind the Waltz, the Charleston, even Zumba might be better. Nope, the Macarena. Which, it turns out, is incredibly difficult to do in full length skirts, and resulted in a bit of a pile up. Not the most dignified turn of events.

However, they seemed to appreciate Me’s choice of outfits, and were happy to negotiate.

What they were in fact negotiating came as another surprise to Clara. It appeared that on Salssuginis there was a severe absence of fruit. The people were far from malnourished, they had no need of fruit as substance, but apparently the delights of say, the pear, had been spotted when viewing Earth. And the shape just happened to be perfectly suited to...other types of pleasure (well you didn't expect alien hoo-ha’s to look like ours did you?).  And the royal family was so desperate to get their hand on some that they were perfectly willing to point all their weapons in Earth’s direction unless their wish was fulfilled.

Naturally, it didn't take long for the pair to agree to deliver some seeds and a greenhouse before the end of the week. Really, a small price to pay. Even if they were, as Clara insightfully put it, supplying an alien race with brand new edible sex toys. Although having to convince Me that she  would not even consider trying it was another trial.

Safely back on Earth, with (hopefully) no missiles pointed at the dear planet, the girls could finally take a few days off. They did what normal people did, wasn't it nice to relax? Of course rest never lasted long. And really, they wouldn't have it any other way.

*****

They were once again sipping coffee in the canteen at UNIT, which had recently been decorated in a stylish green and grey (there had been complaints; apparently stainless steel made a supposedly pleasant space look “like a prison cell”) when Clara was grabbed by the arm and dragged halfway across the wooden floor in a very abrupt and frankly rude manner. Me jumped up to protect her girlfriend from the threat, but was rather delighted to see Clara was managing perfectly well on her own. She wasn't sure that man’s shins would ever be the same again. It was only when the disgruntled and pained soldier shouted “for God’s sake Miss Oswald, the Doctor is here!” that she quietened,and willingly went will him to be deposited in a rather undignified supply cupboard. Honestly, Me thought. Their mission was noble, but she really must discuss the execution of the order with his superior. Manhandling Clara was something only she was  allowed to do, and it was almost always in a more...private scenario.

Clara certainly wasn't pleased about where she had been stashed. You’d think in this large facility they’d have one room where the Doctor wouldn't venture. Mind you, he usually failed to pay attention to “KEEP OUT” signs, so perhaps this was more sensible. Damn him.

She was just thinking of a number of more creative-and explicit- curses for her old friend when the already tight space she was in got a hell of a lot smaller. Space tends to do that when a six foot tall man with a fantastic arse gets pushed into it.

“Hello….” she said. Coffee Boy really was incredibly attractive.

“Sorry” God she loved a Welsh accent.

“I'm hiding from the Doctor, you?”

“No idea. Just got shoved in here and told to shut up.”

“I'm sure I could help you with that” Next thing Coffee Boy knew, he was pressed up against a shelf of Dettol and industrial loo roll with a very adorable brunette giving him one of the best kisses he’d ever experienced. Not the absolute best...though he couldn't remember where he had received that number one snog.

She broke away for a moment, deftly undoing his trousers as she whispered.

“So...what’s your name?”

He gasped as he tried to remember, but really! How was a man supposed to focus when she was doing that?!

“I-Ianto. Ianto Jones”

She smirked, sinking to her knees to continue with her ministrations.

“Well Ianto. Buckle up”

 


	3. And enter the immortal pansexual (and let's not leave out alien fucker)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now lets make things a bit more interesting...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Constructive Criticism welcome!

Jack Harkness was lonely and bored. There really isn’t much to do in the Torchwood hub anymore. You can only deal with the odd rogue Weevil emerging from the sewers day in day out for a short period of time without literally dying of boredom. Now there was something he hadn’t done yet.  The man who had died far too many times had not yet died of boredom. Not that it would be too long until that happened considering the current state of his so-called job. Somehow he didn’t think that staring mindlessly at computer screens for the vast majority of the day, only to see a lone empty chip poke float past in the wind and occasionally taking long walks around Cardiff in the hope of finding something remotely interesting really pertained to his job description of supreme alien catcher.   
It was days like this that reminded him just how lonely he actually was. No Tosh frantically typing away and being an adorable little computer whizz. No Owen being that annoying yet lovable sarcastic, whiney arsehole moaning that he stunk of questionable alien bodily fluids _ again _ . He hadn’t seen Rex since the so-called Miracle Day, at least he kept him updated with his newly immortal life and his adventures which were all far more interesting than anything Jack had done recently. Even Gwen was too busy with  _ Rhys _ and cute, stupid little Anwen (he loved her really but damn it she distracted her mother)  to work for Torchwood any more,  _ not  _ that working for Torchwood meant doing much nowadays. And the one that caused Jack the most heartache, was there was no more Ianto. No more bloody brilliant coffee. No more bloody brilliant sex. No more cuddling in the hub after everyone else had went home. And most importantly no more of the only person Jack had ever truly loved.  Jack missed Ianto more than anything. Though he tried not to think about that too much to avoid the inevitable heartbreak that had been weighing on him for years.   
Overall, Jack Harkness was lonely and bored.   
That was until an American diner fell from the sky.   
~   
‘Clara, darling, why on earth are we in Cardiff right now? The entire universe at your fingertips, the entire duration of space and time in front of you, and you choose 21st century Cardiff!?’  Me asked. Well more demanded of her lover after she stood up from her newly discovered position on the floor. A crashing TARDIS is never an easy location to remain upright.   
‘You expect me to know what we’re doing here?’ a muffled voice called out from somewhere underneath the control panel, ‘I was not flying this thing as much as it was flying itself, fuck I don’t even know how to fly this thing! Can you give me a hand here I’m a bit stuck’ Me giggled at this. No matter how unstable she was in the TARDIS she could never quite match Clara’s ability to end up roughly twelve miles from the control panel in a random room god knows where. Or at least in the most inconvenient position humanly (or alienly) possible.   
Eventually, after roughly five minutes of struggling, a very disgruntled pair of time travellers emerged from under the control panel, vowing to install seats with seat belts at the nearest convenience.   
‘So if the diner was flying itself why did it decide to crash land here?’ Me asked ‘And why the fuck is there a guy walking around it!?’   
‘I think the doctor once said something about a rift in Car- Wait? What?’ Clara ran over to join Me and leant over her shoulder to look at the screen. Surely enough there was a very attractive man walking around the diner. A man in a period military coat. The day was getting weirder and weirder.   
‘What should we do about him?’ Me questioned, ‘I’ve done enough research on the doctor and his TARDIS to know that people shouldn’t be able to see it unless they know it’s here, and really why the hell would anyone know to look for an American diner in the middle of Cardiff? What should we do Clara? ...Clara?’   
Me turned her attention away from the man on the screen just in time to see her girlfriend walk out the door.   
Sighing exasperatedly she vowed to have words with that girl about wandering off . Especially when it involved hot men.   
~   
‘I loving the coat’ A voice startled Jack, causing him to turn around to see a small, attractive girl step out of the diner.

‘But I can’t help but wonder exactly how you know we’re here. People shouldn’t be able to see us so either you’re an alien or you’re really really observant. So which one is it handsome?’   
‘Captain Jack Harkness’ he said, saluting, a gesture which made Clara like him even more than she already did ‘Torchwood. And I can’t help but wonder just how exactly you have a TARDIS. Now unless you’re the Doctor and you’ve went for a hot girl instead of a hot man and somehow changed the chameleon circuit from a police box to a diner then you have some explaining to do’   
‘You know the Doctor?’ Clara asked, tilting her head to the side adorably ‘I think you should come inside and talk to us’   
‘Us?’   
‘Yes us’ came another voice from inside the diner.   
Two hot girls. In a TARDIS. Jack’s day suddenly seemed a lot less lonely and boring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Thanks for sticking with this. This chapter is primarily Caitlin's work (I added about two sentences). A lot more of them will probably be in her name, she's much less lazy than me when it comes to this sort of thing.


End file.
